I THOUGHT MY MOURNING PERIOD WAS OVER...

I miss my dad. He has been on my mind all day. 

A year has already passed and it seems like it was just yesterday. I realize now that I moved through the days after he had made his transition operating on numb. I couldn't remember what day he actually passed, I had to look it up because my ability to tell time and to keep records of dates seems to have shut completely down that night.  His death did not become real to me until I saw his casket being lowered into the ground. Even though I was there and watching every move, it was surreal to me as a daughter. 

I tried to pinpoint what set off my sudden surge of missing my dad blues. There does not seem to be any obvious event or circumstance that triggered this feeling. It just rose up out of me all of the sudden and it only grew larger as the hours of the day went by.

The feeling caught me off guard because up until today, I thought that my sense of acceptance was really at a good level. I am still feeling pretty sure that is true. 

Mourning is a difficult process to work through. I have taken the time to assess how I have felt since we laid my dad to rest. It appears to me that there were times when I should of just sat down and had a good cry but wouldn't or couldn't.

I really wish that he was here to see our new arrival. My youngest grandson carries my dad's first name as his middle name.  I am sure that my dad would of put up a protest because he was not that fond of his name.  Each one of my son's has considered using his name for their own children until they were informed that their babies were girls. I am not sure that we will have any more grandchildren added into our circle so the last one of this particular generation has the honor of carrying his name.

To relieve myself of some of the heaviness that was flowing through me, I went out for some fresh air and to run a couple of errands. It is beginning to feel like winter in my hometown. The air is crisp and cold. There are patches of frozen surface water on different sections of the street and sidewalks. All of the leaves are on the ground and things look rather bleak throughout the city. Even though this is not the most desirable view, it is one that I am well accustomed to seeing. I was out of the house for a couple of hours and it helped me to clear my head.  I still feel the pangs of missing my dad and I know that is because I love him and I wish that he was here. That is basic human emotions and I am okay with experiencing what mourning brings into my thoughts.  I just hope that in due time and in due season, when I think about him it will be with less pain and more joy. 

Dear God,

I want to give thanks for the blessing of having my dad in my life. He was there for me when I really needed him and he was always my mentor and guide.

I know that there is a time and season when life begins and when life here comes to an end. It is written in all of our stories and we will eventually come to that day.  I want to live the remaining days of my life sharing the gift of joy, laughter and wise advice as a parent and grandparent.  I hope that as my own life continues to advance in the year's that I will be able to see my grandchildren grown up and have time to share the simple pleasures of living. I hope that I will be physically and mentally capable to move about with my family and without them.

Please continue to bless us with the shield of security and safety that protects us from all manner of harm and danger.  Please continue to bless us to grow wiser each day of our lives. Help us to continue to move towards our goals and to dream bigger than we ever have during our collective life times.

While we are resting tonight, please keep watch over us and over the neighbors who share space around us. Bless us all to rise up in the morning with our minds, bodies and spirits filled with a sense of renewal and positive energy.

I thank you for this day and for the blessings that you have sent to me and my family. I give your praise and thanks for the blessings that are on the way.

In Jesus name, I pray

Amen